Alone. Every day. Alone. Every hour. Alone. Every minute. Alone. Every second. How do I get through each of these time frames? With great difficulty.
Been alone since June 2010. Seven years. I have my good moments. But, right now, this isn’t a good moment. Life seems like a void, a vacuum, an emptiness on some days. “Why don’t you go out?” is the question posed in moments like this. Reason being, I don’t want to go out. My train of thought has nothing but empty, hollow feelings and emotions.
I go through periods like this. I wish I could feel ok all the time. But I don’t. I wish I could be happy all the time. But I can’t. I wish I could turn back the clock and wish the things that happened didn’t happen. But I can’t turn back those hands on the clock. They’re stuck. It would be nice to move forward.
Autism. The underlying cause of anxiety and/or depression. The underlying cause of these low moments. Autism that I’ve had since I popped out into the world, 44 years ago. The reason that my social skills are basic at best. The reason I lack confidence and the ability to live from day to day. The autism has only recently been diagnosed, 44 years on. It’s only mild, so I was told. But it affects me and it doesn’t seem to be making my life any easier.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for a pat on the head and a belief that things will get better. Just a bit of understanding. According to the UK Disability Act of 2010, I have a disability that is now with me till the end. So today isn’t a great day. Just have no desire to do anything today, same applied yesterday. It will improve on some days, but some days the world seems grey and cheerless. Today is one such day.
Sorry world, sorry for being me.