The wheels are stuck….

  Horrible day so far. Really horrible. The cogs and wheels inside my head have stuck. Everything seems to be moving slowly, and just now, I’ve had a panic attack, for the first time in a long time. 

Why? Well, I had to send off some forms and get them photocopied. Being on the autistic spectrum, I’m a person that likes things to be in order and to work properly. I pushed myself out of the door, I didn’t want to go, but this process had to be done. 

Got to the library. Photocopier not working. Damn. I know, I’ll go to my local newsagents, where they have a photocopier. Not so bad.

Get to the newsagents. Start the copying. Halfway through, the paper runs out. I call the assistant from behind the counter and despite several attempts to load the paper, I was getting more angry and frustrated. That’s what happens with autism. 

Eventually, he worked it out. The paper was loaded and I continued the copying. I paid my dues and left the shop.

Then, I started to become quite dizzy, my heart started to race and I felt as though I wanted to be buried alive. My flat was a 5 minute walk away, but it felt like 55. Every step was magnified. Felt horrible. My breathing was all out of sync. Just wanted to walk through the front door of the flat. Then I remembered that I forgot to add some information to each photocopy. So I couldn’t post the damn thing anyway. 

Managed to add the information and reseal the envelope. What a performance. Something that should have been quite simple took ages to do, with things going wrong. I’m now lying on my bed, trying to breathe normally. What is going on? The wheels and cogs have jammed. My brain isn’t moving, or wanting to process information. Everything seems so f*****g difficult today (apologies for the language). 

My head feels as though it wants to explode. Hurts on all sides. Panicking over nothing really. But when things don’t go according to a set plan, complications set in. Terrible morning. Wish I hadn’t gone out. But the task is done now. The only consolation is the weather is nice today. But I’m lost in my own world to notice too much.

That’s how I’ve been the last few days. Lost. Stuck in neutral. 

Allen Brooks

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Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...

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