The wrong side of the tracks….

Please be aware that this post may contain some material that is upsetting. 

Date:- Can’t remember exactly.

Wasn’t feeling too good in myself once again. Lot of anxiety and depression, and some deep, dark thoughts. 

One day though, I thought I may go out and try and take my mind off these thoughts. That proved more difficult than at first glance. I decided to take a train trip across London.

Still feeling crap. Got to the station. Walked along the platform. I kept looking over the platform edge. Why? Because I thought I would be better off under a train. No joke. The thoughts were invading my being and becoming dangerous. 

Of course, I didn’t go through with these thoughts, thankfully. I travelled around that day, still feeling bad, but I didn’t carry out the deed that permeated my being for a while. I visited the doctors next day and told him how I was feeling. He was concerned at my invasive and suicidal thoughts….and upped my dosage of medication. The thoughts disappeared and I started to get better in the weeks and months to come. Another bad episode…

Compare that to now. I’m in a good place, certainly no bad thoughts and I’m happy with most aspects of my life. Volunteering, presenting, umpiring, going to the pub, trying to connect with people. 2017, bar a few indifferent weeks, has been good. Touching all available wood, there are no return to the dark times, the looking at the railway track, the contemplation of overdosing, the thoughts of “doing myself in”. It’s been a long journey…but here I am, still going strong!

Allen Brooks xx


Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...

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