Contains some upsetting material
I sat there…..thoughts dashing this way and that. I just had an argument with my now ex-wife, and I was shaking with fear. Fear of my next step.
I went to the kitchen. I found a packet of paracetamol. Still shaking, I brought them into the living room. I still sat there, contemplating the worst. I started to push one of the tablets from the packet….and then I stopped. The racing thoughts had slowed down. I started to think of the consequences that my possible actions might have.
The world seemed a dark, unforgiving place. There was no hope for me. I exhausted myself in the failed marriage, was left with no money, and my mother was on her death bed. The abyss was getting deeper. Could I be about to end it all?
I put the tablets down. Crying uncontrollably, I rang my sister to discuss what has just happened, and my next move. Taking my own life was not the answer. But this was only the beginning. The beginning of a journey that continued to drive me to the edge, on several occasions. A month later, I was in the doctor’s surgery, penniless, helpless and clueless. That is another blog post altogether.
Here I am, seven years later, writing this post about those dark times. Eventually, I would be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, so that explains those traumatic life events of 2010. It wasn’t a summer that I remember fondly. It could have ended and well….Allen Brooks wouldn’t be writing this.
Rationality intervened and those suicidal ideations are no longer a feature. I do get anxiety and some down days, but ingesting a heap of tablets is not the answer. I realise that now. I didn’t know much about mental illness then. Time is a healer, and I can talk about it now. Talk about it to others and stop them from pursuing unacceptable avenues of escape. I owed it to my family not to disappear from the mortal coil….and I think I made the right decision.
Allen Brooks xx