Morning. Not a good morning. Despite the fact it’s a fantastic summer’s day out there, Allen Brooks is having a mental block. Why? Because I was due to go out and umpire a cricket match today. I’ve woken up, had breakfast and could feel a panic attack coming on. Again why? I just can’t go through with it today.
This has happened in previous years, especially last year. I found myself waking up, preparing to get ready to go to cricket, and bang, the panic attack would start. It’s not a nice feeling, laying here now typing this, my breathing is rather shallow and a feeling of dread has come over me.
Why again? I’ve done a lot of matches this year and this shouldn’t present a problem. It’s an irrational fear. An irrational fear that I cannot face anyone or anything today. A fear that I would turn up and everyone would be looking at me, making remarks and judging me. Now this of course is not true, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like this. Anxiety is a constant companion in my life. On occasions, it prevents me from going out and doing things.
I’ve had a reasonable week, so why today of all days that this has struck? Stage fright maybe, fear of getting things wrong, fear of being judged, fear that 22 cricketers won’t be able to like or respect me.
I’d better stop writing now. Need to concentrate on calming myself down.
Allen Brooks xx