I just can’t do it. I just can’t face it. I cannot go out and face the world today. All negativity. No, can’t, cannot, won’t, all words in my vernacular today. I’ve crashed. 

I’ve been sitting in my bedroom, head in hands, nearly ready to cry uncontrollably. The barriers have finally come down and are staying down. It’s a lovely day outside. I wouldn’t care if it was 90 degrees and blazing hot sunshine, I ain’t going anywhere.

Yep, anxiety has taken over once again. Really has caused an emotional crash. Three days ago, I was ok. Maybe it was bravado, maybe it was adrenaline, maybe it was because I had a few to drink. The last two days have been vastly different.

This happens, not often I hasten to add, but it happens. Everything goes along swimmingly, and even though there might be the odd blip, I keep going. I tell myself I will be alright. Then, the spectacular crash.

The psychologist that diagnosed my autism, paid special attention to my social anxiety, fear of people, fear of the outside world. Usually, I can do ok, but like now, it takes an iron grip, and will not relinquish it.

Imagine a room without any light, heat, any amenities at all. No windows, nothing. Imagine just sitting there. Imagine the walls closing in around you. That’s how I feel today. And a consequence of that is negative self talk. Can’t, won’t, cannot, no. And the fact I should have let people know earlier that I cannot do scoring today, also feeds the anxiety. What will people think of me? What will they say? And on and on it goes, a continuous loop of ordeal and agony.

Not a million pounds would get me out of the flat today. My colleague rang me and tried to encourage me to come along and just watch, but to no avail. The walls have closed in, and I’ve let people down, again. 

It isn’t funny, it isn’t amusing. I hate feeling like this, but mental illness is a strange thing. You think you have it cracked, then bang, back down the abyss you go. And that’s where I’ll stay, for now.

Allen Brooks xx


Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...

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