Afternoon. Today saw a return to seeing my CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) counsellor. I felt a need to offload a lot of stuff that has been troubling me the last 3 or so weeks.
The place I went today was the place where I was born, back in 1972. It looks vastly different today, with a hotch potch of buildings dotted everywhere. The main local mental health team are based here. Today, as I stood outside in the blistering June heat, I couldn’t help but notice that the whole site is being redeveloped. The building works look unsightly and doesn’t pay tribute to the hospital’s former life as a maternity unit.
I went into the room and was down, unsettled and not feeling 100%. By the end of the hour, I felt a bit better, having offloaded a lot of troubling information to the counsellor. As always, she was insightful and sympathetic. The summing up of what has been going on recently is namely this:- I am going through a depressive episode, of a mild to moderate nature.
To qualify that, I must say that I have had no dark or suicidal thoughts. Not in the least. But I have stopped enjoying, for the most part, some of the activities that I usually enjoy, such as cricket and going out in the nice weather, something that I haven’t done.
There’s been a whole mixture of tiredness, fatigue, subconscious thoughts, lack of enjoyment, anxiety and a mild to moderate depression. There’s also been a feeling of loss and grief thrown in. I feel ready to burst into tears at any moment. My mind is like a food blender. Throw in all the ingredients and you don’t have a good result.
This will take time to resolve. I go through these spells. Autism is the underlying cause. Sometimes there’s an obvious trigger, other times it’s not so obvious. It’s all fairly inexplicable. But I feel slightly easier in offloading to someone I know will listen and offer sympathy and some good ways to move forward.
I’ll try not to isolate myself completely, but at times, it’s the only answer. Not facing up to people is the only way to deal with the problem. But even just going to the shop, escaping from the self imposed exile just for a while, helps a little. I can have a walk and try and forget things.
But it isn’t easy. None of this is. I’m stuck with autism now for the rest of my life. Coping on a daily basis is a big battle. One I’ve fought before, and one I’ll fight again.
Allen Brooks xx