Hello. Not the best of weekends in all honesty. I feel down again, swimming against the tide…
Saturday saw myself and my work colleague go to a birthday party. It was held at the pub we usually frequent. The moment I set foot in there, something didn’t feel quite right.
I’m not great with parties or any kind of social gatherings for that matter. The idea of making small talk with people I don’t really know has never struck a chord with me. Socially inept could be an apt description of me. The psychologist who diagnosed my autism drew attention to that. It’s something I can’t get my head around.
So, I sat there, eating birthday cake, pizza and drinking five vodka and tonics. That was tipping me towards the edge. Not feeling great? Why not have alcohol, which is a depressant, to make me feel worse?
I hardly knew anybody, and I was starting to feel tired. Time to go home. Went back to my friend’s place and stayed the night. Didn’t sleep that well, and consequently yesterday was not a great day either. I felt so out of it, so away with the fairies, that the best news in the world wouldn’t have made a difference.
Came home in the afternoon. I’m normally quite alert and awake on a bus. This time, I was in a complete daze. Felt as far removed from my own thoughts as it’s possible to be. As it happened, when I got home, I slept again. My sleep patterns are all over the place. Drinking alcohol doesn’t help either. Perhaps it’s time to cut down. I feel a complete mess.
One of my cricket friends rang up in the evening. Normally, I would be enthusiastic and wanting to talk. I did talk, but with a sense of real disinterest. I really couldn’t have cared less about what he was saying. That’s no reflection on him, it’s just my state of mind at the moment.
The negative thoughts are there, the paranoia is there, the lack of interest is there, the low feeling is there. Could it be a depressive episode again? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s time to see my doctor. Perhaps the medication (which I’ve been on for 18 months) isn’t working. This isn’t fun at the present time. Don’t know what to do.
I feel shut out, marginalised, left to my own devices. Could I be doing the marginalising? Maybe. My head is in a real mess, there’s no sense of order at the moment. Trapped within my own mind. Not a pleasant feeling.
Allen Brooks xx