Losing my mind…

What started off as a routine day has seen yours truly blow a gasket. Big time. But thankfully all has been sorted out and we are all adults, and things have been resolved amicably.

Let me explain some context. Being autistic, I absolutely abhor routine disruption, with anything, whoever has been disrupting. If a bus is late, I get annoyed, if a train is late, I get annoyed. And so we come to the Thursday Peer Support Group.

I was deputising to one of my colleagues today, and to be brief, I thought that the regular routine was being disrupted. It wasn’t done maliciously or with intent to upset me in the slightest, it just so happened that I thought things were going wrong.

Instead of stopping the process and being polite and dealing with the situation, I walked out. I felt that I wasn’t needed there. All sorts of irrational thoughts were going through my head, I left my colleague to continue on her own and I stormed off home, with steam coming out of my ears.

Again, on the way home, silly thoughts were going through my head. I lost the power to think rationally, all because of routine disruption. I cannot cope with it.

Thankfully, wiser heads prevailed and the issue has been resolved through a very frank and honest discussion. I’m not 16 anymore and then I would have sulked for weeks on end. Those thoughts are brief now, and cooler thoughts come into play. Being adult! But for a few hours today, I lost my mind completely. 

Silly really, with more important things going on in the world. I want others to be heard and to share their experiences. What I say, think and do, people are indifferent to anyway. It’s the people that turn up to our group that deserve their chance to be heard. The facilitators don’t run the group for our benefit; that’s the beauty of how the group runs so well, the chance to be heard. 

Things do wrong from time to time, I realise that. Being autistic though, makes me less tolerant of those mishaps. I need to learn to brush them off and move on. We can all learn from this and move on to next Thursday’s group. I have no axes to grind against anyone or anything. It was just one of those mornings where things don’t go as planned. 

Calmer now…much calmer.

Allen Brooks xx


Author: allenbrooks44

44 year old adult living with Autism...

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