I’m having a lot of difficulty processing these three emotions at the moment. Take this morning for example. Again, things went wrong that were totally outside of my control. Yet that doesn’t stop the thoughts of anger, frustration and annoyance. I can’t do anything about the problems I encountered, yet my mind tells me that I must.
I suppose it’s a culmination of events that brings me to these crossroads. Frustration that I haven’t made as much of my life as I ought to have done, frustration at losing people from my life, anger at past mistakes and being led astray. All that is a dangerous cocktail that is evocative of the potion that Dr Jekyll drank to change from an amiable character into a monster.
I’m far from a monster, but I’m concerned that these feelings might go too far. I might do something out of frustration or anger that would cause a lot of trouble. I have to stop myself from carrying out those thoughts. I’m not an aggressive person or confrontational person, I hate all kinds of arguments in fact. But my mind is all over the shop currently, very unsettled might be a more accurate description.
These thoughts will subside, they will retreat back into the box, and I will revert back to my normal self. This isn’t me. I’ve just spent four and a half hours trying to change up some money and to deposit it at the bank. A chain of unfortunate happenings collude to make a day like this very tough, and with the weather being hot as well, not good for a steaming brain.
Thankfully I’m indoors now, and I will calm down gradually throughout the day. I’m not the best person to know at the moment. But that will change.
Allen Brooks xx