Very pissed off….

It’s just one of those days today. Little things are going wrong, making my temper shorter and shorter as each thing happens.

Like most run ups to Christmas, the London wide transport service starts to fall apart. I don’t know whether this is an infrastructure problem, underfunding or staff shortages, but today has seen delays and cancellations all over the place. Not one train has been on time. The buses are late, packed with Christmas shoppers as well as commuters. I’m due to go out again later and I wanted to get home, put my feet up and have a cup of tea. Not even home yet from a meeting I had to attend. It’s a shambles.

Not only that, I’ve nearly had my right foot taken off by someone treading on my heel as I was walking across the station concourse. The next person to do that will get a decent size 11 boot straight up their backside. So as you can tell, small things are irritating me and my mood is deteriorating quickly. I hope the evening will be better than the afternoon, but right now, steer clear of me because the steam is starting to come out of my ears.

Living in London! Don’t you just love it.

Rant over

Allen Brooks xx


Having a Plan A…and a Plan B – Dealing with My Autism

Plans eh? They say never to plan or have a set routine because it’s bound to go wrong. Well when you’re on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder like myself, it’s important to have some kind of routine or regimented order as that is a trait of ASD.

I don’t like change very much, and certainly when routine is disrupted like last week, it can cause a downturn in mood and well being. I can be flexible with changing plans – up to a point. I’m not the best with lateness or sheer incompetence, especially from service providers, in whatever field. Last week I was almost going out of my mind, it was that bad.

Again, it’s all about understanding. I like order and it’s almost my daily life is on rails or tramlines. When the path is smooth, life is all fine and dandy. When an unexpected development is introduced, the train of thought or action is derailed and severe anxiety becomes the prevailing mood. I suddenly become derailed and vulnerable. I don’t think enough is understood about this trait of ASD that affects one in 700,000 people in the UK.

To summarise, if people around me do things properly, are punctual and are nice to me, then I’m happy. If none of that criteria is met, it’s best to steer clear of me for a few days, as the steam will be coming out of my ears. I do have some patience, but that patience wears thin if the above pattern is not conformed to on a regular basis. That was what last week was like. Hell on Earth, and no joke.

I hope that helps some of the misconceptions around the traits of ASD.

Thanks for listening.

Allen Brooks xx

Thinking Time…

A week is a long time in politics, so the saying goes. Also a week is a long time in the life of Allen Brooks. This week I think will be a total contrast to the shambles of last week, which is in the process of being dealt with.

Weather? Dank, dreary, cold and wet best describes it, and that’s only the good points. It’s thoroughly unpleasant out there. Not worth bothering with daylight, might as well be dark the whole day, like the North Pole!

I went for a CBT appointment this morning and discussed the issues of last week, and how it affected my equilibrium. I always enjoy talking to the counsellor because she gives me a dispassionate view of things and that brings me back down to earth, from the anger and annoyance of last week to a more chilled out outlook this week.

I have got something planned for tonight, but if this dreary weather continues, I may decide that a night in the warm and in front of the TV would be better than freezing my proverbials off waiting for public transport in the evening rush hour. I’ll make a decision later.

And finally, a little tribute to the people I spent time with on Thursday and Saturday, the regulars from the pub. Warm, friendly and welcoming people, and they also helped bring me back down from the angry and unsettled mood I was in last week. I may not show my appreciation at times, but I really do this time and thank them for just helping me chill out. Thank you guys!

A few things going on this week, and I’m determined to enjoy them. Watch this space!

Thanks for listening.

Allen Brooks xx

Great Company….

I’ve just had a very nice evening out. I went to a birthday party of one of the regulars at the pub that I go to. It was a lovely, relaxed and fun evening. There were lots of food, more than a few drinks and plenty of banter, as one might expect. I was especially delighted to be asked along, and I felt good in their company.

Parties are not always my thing. I do struggle to make small talk (autism again) and to mingle with people. But tonight just felt a little bit different. All the usual crowd from a Thursday night were there, and I felt as though I was accepted. I do struggle too, to fit in and to be part of the “circle” so to speak, but tonight was one of those rare nights where it went extremely well.

I’ve had a fair few drinks, and though not drunk, I’m rather tired. Bed is calling me, so farewell, see you all tomorrow.

Allen Brooks xx

Midnight report….

Hello. To say it’s been a rubbish week for me is an understatement. I’ve had a dose of the lurgie and been right royally messed about by people who supposedly have your best interests at heart. The nonsense that has been the common denominator stopped tonight, in spectacular fashion.

Thursday fortnights are Music Bingo nights at the pub. And this afternoon, I was feeling very down in the mouth and not up for a night out. My sister encouraged me to go out and forget about the unsettling nature of things and enjoy myself.

They say luck comes in threes. On a cold, blustery evening, the buses and trains were all running to time, I didn’t have to wait much at all, to and from my destination. Get to the pub, and settle down for the evening’s entertainment.

To give a little diversion here, Music Bingo at the pub is ONE year old tonight. And to celebrate, we had a birthday cake and lots of drinking games to pass the time. The host of the Music Bingo is a wonderful bloke called Dave. I won’t reveal his second name as I like to anonymise the posts I put on here. His contribution to the life of the pub is incredible. He runs the evening with sheer brilliance and a light touch, bantering with the punters and making everyone feel welcome. He even overcome some technical problems which saw us start late.

And….for the second part of my good luck tonight, I shared the £100 jackpot on the first game with another gentleman. £50 to Allen, I thank you! Blue Monday by New Order was the winning song. It’s been a blue Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but that certainly helped. A regular of the pub, who was Scottish, said when I collected the winnings “Are you the guy that wins all the time?” I replied “No, and I don’t know where you heard the rumours?”. I certainly don’t win all the time as the other jackpots went to two of the good folk of the pub. It’s a game of chance, and occasionally I get lucky. And it was just the tonic I needed.

The evening was just amazing once again and it did me more good than sitting indoors feeling sorry for myself. And my third piece of good luck? Waiting for a bus on the way back, I spotted a £5 on the pavement. Now that is a good way to end a day that started off not too well.

Keeping myself going with good people and good activities, and not allowing myself to be distracted by other nonsense, is the key to getting by. And I do some of the time. Other times it’s bloody difficult.

Thanks for listening.

Good night

Allen Brooks xx

Scaring people….

Not absolutely sure about the timeframe on this, but all I remember was that I wasn’t in a good place. I was having all sorts of dark thoughts, my self esteem was through the floor, and I’d taken to Facebook to express how I was feeling. Thinking back, it was the middle of summer, but can’t pinpoint a year. My memory playing tricks, now that is unusual!

As I said, it wasn’t a good time. One night, it must have been around 1 or 2 in the morning I suppose, my emotions overflowed. I got my phone, went on to Facebook and gave full vent to my spleen. It was pretty graphic, pretty horrifying and I was so low that I couldn’t muster any shred of self respect.

I eventually got to bed, and received a text message the following morning from an acquaintance of mine who saw the message. She was horrified that I could write in such graphic and revealing detail, and was worried for my well being. Along with her daughter, she invited me out for a meal that afternoon. I was still in a bad place, but the empathy she showed will always stay with me. I came home from the meal feeling a little bit better.

Was the graphic posting on Facebook a cry for help? I suppose it was. I needed some people to see what was going on. My life was heading nowhere fast and this was my way of expressing this frustration and anger. It wasn’t clever, it wasn’t very smart to do this. But when your mind has gone, rationality goes out of the window.

I like to think that I’ve calmed down on the social media front, and I have other avenues where to express my feelings, like peer support group, and my CBT counsellor. Going off the handle like that wasn’t me; and I do think before I act now. That horrible evening, I wasn’t thinking. That’s how screwed up I was. Facebook is a tool I only use now to communicate about sport and social activities, and not to vent my spleen about my private life. It can cause problems.

Older, wiser? Don’t you believe it!

Thanks for dropping by

Allen Brooks xx

Been here before…

Many times. Let me explain. On the blog, I allude to the fact that I am on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder scale. I’m at the mild end of the scale, but I am on the scale. It is classed as a disability under the UK Disabilities Act 2010.

Autism is still a much misunderstood condition. What annoys me more than anything is so called “experts” thinking they understand what goes on, pretending they understand the person with ASD, and then doing something completely the opposite.

One of the traits of ASD is seeing things through tunnel vision. Black or white, no grey areas. For example, if somebody says they will want to see me at, say 9 a.m. for an appointment, I expect some kind of prior message or email to tell me this is going to happen. What really puts me out is the person turning up without any prior notification. In this 21st Century world, we all have means of communication. Except it seems, to the person involved. I had this today where someone showed up, for an appointment, at 9 a.m. without any prior notification. I had just woken up and my mental equilibrium wasn’t at it’s best.

I had to turn the person away, partly because of the shock of them turning up and the fact I’m still under the weather. Luckily I’m not bed ridden with a real bad dose of flu, that would have been extremely worrying. Just a little notification by phone or message at the end of last week would have saved embarrassment for me and the person that turned up.

That single track trait I was talking about? No deviation at all. But how difficult is it for others to understand? To be honest, very few people do. I just go on, in my own sweet way, with most people unaware of what my everyday existence entails. They don’t have to live with ASD. I do. I thought by being diagnosed with this in January of this year, life would be easier. In fact, it’s a lot harder. A lot harder to convince people that I struggle with certain life skills, a lot harder to convince people that ASD is an underlying cause of my occasional depression and anxiety.

I felt I need to get this off my chest. I don’t think people understand, or they don’t want to. It’s all a bit of a game to some. Not to me it isn’t. I’m just bitterly disappointed that supposed people in authority don’t recognise what it’s like to live with an everyday condition, and then make other’s lives difficult. At times, ASD is in the background. Now, it’s back in the foreground again. To say I’m not happy today would be understating the case. Add to that the fact I’ve got a bug, and Monday is already a write off.

Sorry, but these things need to be said.

Allen Brooks xx