Spending a lot of time on my own, as I’m prone to do, gives rise to something called rumination. Over thinking. And that gives rise to paranoia and very irrational thoughts.
Though I should be pleased I’ve made it through another year as of last Saturday, the niggling doubts and low self esteem come to the fore. Am I good enough? Do people like and respect me? These and many other questions swirl around my over fertile imagination, leading to paranoid thoughts and general low confidence.
Thinking back to early June, when the latest relapse started, I do wonder where it’s all going to end, and I can get my life back to some form or other? I have to struggle through day to day, and just be thankful I’ve made it through another day on the road to my 46th year.
Though Saturday should have been a night of celebration, there were questions I was asking myself. Could it have gone better? Could I have arranged things better? But I was grateful for the people that did show up and helped me through the evening. It’s just a difficult spell I’m going through at the moment. It will end and I will return to pre-June normality. People do like me, and people do respect me. It’s just when the mind is a cauldron of thoughts, good things get discarded in favour of negativity and paranoia. And that isn’t good.
On we go…
Allen Brooks xx
Hello there. Apologies for the hiatus in the Allen Brooks story. There’s a good reason for that. It was my birthday on Saturday. People that know me were well aware of this seismic (?) happening on other social media platforms so there was no need for repetition on here.
It was a nice, convivial evening at the pub I usually frequent. My sister and brother-in-law came along and met some of my acquaintances from the pub and the Peer Support group. There was plenty of alcohol drunk, as you might expect, and plenty of food eaten. One of the pub friends is a very talented baker, and he made two dozen cup cakes for us to eat, which I was very grateful for, after all he went to a lot of time and effort to prepare the cakes.
How do I feel turning 45 years of age? No different really. It’s just a number after all. The medication seems to be kicking in fully now. Still having some indifferent moments, and physically I still feel tired at times.
Spent most of yesterday in the company of some of the attendees from Saturday, trying hard not to feel shattered, but failing miserably. Next time I organise something like a party, I will take a little more care over it. Some of the smaller details got forgotten about, such as music and provision of food.
There’s always a but…..and I won’t say what that is. It’s my paranoia and low self esteem coming into play, that’s all I’ll divulge at this point. Got to be careful I don’t press the self destruct button, which is always nearby.
Off to do some volunteering this morning. The weather has behaved itself the last three days, to make up for the ghastly stuff of the last three weeks. This morning is warm and pleasant. Nice to get some fresh air.
So I’ll have to change the 44 in the blog address to 45. But not yet.
Allen Brooks xx
I’m forever searching for some decent people in the world and today I found some, at the Peer Support group.
It was a rocky start to the day. I must confess to feeling a bit zonked out when I awoke at 7.30 this morning. Managed to kick myself into gear and get to the local cafe for a big, hearty breakfast. This didn’t have a great deal of effect at first. I felt as though I was on autopilot, like an aircraft. I reached my destination, at the office, but not sure how I managed that.
Nice to be running a pleasant little gathering of 8 people this morning. All was well when my second in command told us the manager wanted to see us and the group to be wrapped up early. I agreed to this, until somebody mentioned there was a birthday cake on the way! Now my birthday is on Saturday, and in walked the manager with a cake, a card and an indoor pot plant! Wonderful. I felt somewhat embarrassed, but it was nice to feel valued and liked by the company. It was a nice surprise.
The real thing is on Saturday, and I will be tucking in to some of the cake between now and the weekend. The others in the group shared some slices between them, I can’t eat it all myself! I was also informed that the six candles signified ten years each! Cheeky. But I must confess to feeling that old of late.
Nice to have a pleasant surprise like that, and to share it with some great people.
Allen Brooks xx