What’s been going on?

Hello. Yesterday was Peer Support day. There were eight of us and it was extremely enjoyable, as always.

Then it was off to music bingo, where my ears took a real hammering. The punters poured in from far and wide and the host got rid of the tickets in very little time, illustrating the pulling power of the event.

Though me or my friend and colleague didn’t win, it was difficult hearing the songs at times because of the raucous cacophony of the audience and by the end, my ear drums were crying enough. It was also a warm evening and the atmosphere inside the pub was extremely close and muggy. Not the most comfortable of evenings, but enjoyable all the same. 

I collapsed into bed, but awoke at 3 in the morning to my legs itching like mad. I must have spent ages virtually scratching them to pieces. What caused this I’m not too sure, but again, the tablets could be the culprit. I managed to get off to sleep, and the sound of one of our work friends and colleagues walking through the door awoke me about 9. Those bacon rolls and cup of tea are too good to resist!

This afternoon, I ran a bath, but I decided to catch up on the sleep I missed out on last night. Tummy troubles? Some slight ones this afternoon, but I think my digestive system is getting used to the increase in medication. I have slept rather well though. 

Well, that’s it. See you later.

Allen Brooks xx

Determined to enjoy Thursday…

Morning. No tummy troubles this morning and I’m a little more compos mentis than is normal of a morning time.

Peer Support group today and a chance to thank everyone for showing up at my birthday do last Saturday. And tonight, it’s back to Music Bingo. I’m determined to enjoy this particular Thursday. I need to come out of the other side of yet another period of illness. Today will help.

Allen Brooks xx

Danger of Self Destruction…

Spending a lot of time on my own, as I’m prone to do, gives rise to something called rumination. Over thinking. And that gives rise to paranoia and very irrational thoughts.

Though I should be pleased I’ve made it through another year as of last Saturday, the niggling doubts and low self esteem come to the fore. Am I good enough? Do people like and respect me? These and many other questions swirl around my over fertile imagination, leading to paranoid thoughts and general low confidence.

Thinking back to early June, when the latest relapse started, I do wonder where it’s all going to end, and I can get my life back to some form or other? I have to struggle through day to day, and just be thankful I’ve made it through another day on the road to my 46th year.

Though Saturday should have been a night of celebration, there were questions I was asking myself. Could it have gone better? Could I have arranged things better? But I was grateful for the people that did show up and helped me through the evening. It’s just a difficult spell I’m going through at the moment. It will end and I will return to pre-June normality. People do like me, and people do respect me. It’s just when the mind is a cauldron of thoughts, good things get discarded in favour of negativity and paranoia. And that isn’t good.

On we go…

Allen Brooks xx

Struggling to adjust to the new meds…

Evening. It’s been two weeks since I was changed from 30mg dose of Mirtazapine to 45mg. Increasing or decreasing doses of anti depressant medication brings attendant side issues that can hinder any kind of improvement.

For example, these new tablets are playing havoc with my digestion. I was in bed one night about a week ago, trying to sleep, but with very bad stomach cramps going on. It couldn’t be anything I’d drank or eaten, so it must be this new medication. I managed to relieve the cramps, without going into the gory details, by going to the loo. 

I thought, well it must be the body getting used to the tablets, I’ll be ok in a few days. Wrong. The stomach cramps have returned today with a vengeance and I’ve been doubled up on occasion with pain. Not good. Again, the relief has come by frequent visits to the loo. 

Sorry if you’re eating your dinner, but I’m just outlining the dangers of medication change. I think a visit to the doctor could be in order, to see what he can recommend. I don’t want to be in physical pain on most days, thank you very much.

Allen Brooks xx

We return you to your normal programmes….

Hello there. Apologies for the hiatus in the Allen Brooks story. There’s a good reason for that. It was my birthday on Saturday. People that know me were well aware of this seismic (?) happening on other social media platforms so there was no need for repetition on here.

It was a nice, convivial evening at the pub I usually frequent. My sister and brother-in-law came along and met some of my acquaintances from the pub and the Peer Support group. There was plenty of alcohol drunk, as you might expect, and plenty of food eaten. One of the pub friends is a very talented baker, and he made two dozen cup cakes for us to eat, which I was very grateful for, after all he went to a lot of time and effort to prepare the cakes.

How do I feel turning 45 years of age? No different really. It’s just a number after all. The medication seems to be kicking in fully now. Still having some indifferent moments, and physically I still feel tired at times.

Spent most of yesterday in the company of some of the attendees from Saturday, trying hard not to feel shattered, but failing miserably. Next time I organise something like a party, I will take a little more care over it. Some of the smaller details got forgotten about, such as music and provision of food. 

There’s always a but…..and I won’t say what that is. It’s my paranoia and low self esteem coming into play, that’s all I’ll divulge at this point. Got to be careful I don’t press the self destruct button, which is always nearby. 

Off to do some volunteering this morning. The weather has behaved itself the last three days, to make up for the ghastly stuff of the last three weeks. This morning is warm and pleasant. Nice to get some fresh air.

So I’ll have to change the 44 in the blog address to 45. But not yet.

Bye

Allen Brooks xx

Narcissistic Personality Disorder…

  
Narcissism. Named after Narcissus, the God who saw his reflection in water and revelled in the afterglow of the image. Otherwise known as people who love themselves and are faithful to themselves each and every day, by the attention they receive in the public eye. 

Look at the two figures above and tell me whether they are narcissistic? I know what I think. 

Allen Brooks xx

Happy birthday to me…well not quite yet..

  

I’m forever searching for some decent people in the world and today I found some, at the Peer Support group.

It was a rocky start to the day. I must confess to feeling a bit zonked out when I awoke at 7.30 this morning. Managed to kick myself into gear and get to the local cafe for a big, hearty breakfast. This didn’t have a great deal of effect at first. I felt as though I was on autopilot, like an aircraft. I reached my destination, at the office, but not sure how I managed that.

Nice to be running a pleasant little gathering of 8 people this morning. All was well when my second in command told us the manager wanted to see us and the group to be wrapped up early. I agreed to this, until somebody mentioned there was a birthday cake on the way! Now my birthday is on Saturday, and in walked the manager with a cake, a card and an indoor pot plant! Wonderful. I felt somewhat embarrassed, but it was nice to feel valued and liked by the company. It was a nice surprise. 

The real thing is on Saturday, and I will be tucking in to some of the cake between now and the weekend. The others in the group shared some slices between them, I can’t eat it all myself! I was also informed that the six candles signified ten years each! Cheeky. But I must confess to feeling that old of late.

Nice to have a pleasant surprise like that, and to share it with some great people.

Allen Brooks xx