Danger of Self Destruction…

Spending a lot of time on my own, as I’m prone to do, gives rise to something called rumination. Over thinking. And that gives rise to paranoia and very irrational thoughts.

Though I should be pleased I’ve made it through another year as of last Saturday, the niggling doubts and low self esteem come to the fore. Am I good enough? Do people like and respect me? These and many other questions swirl around my over fertile imagination, leading to paranoid thoughts and general low confidence.

Thinking back to early June, when the latest relapse started, I do wonder where it’s all going to end, and I can get my life back to some form or other? I have to struggle through day to day, and just be thankful I’ve made it through another day on the road to my 46th year.

Though Saturday should have been a night of celebration, there were questions I was asking myself. Could it have gone better? Could I have arranged things better? But I was grateful for the people that did show up and helped me through the evening. It’s just a difficult spell I’m going through at the moment. It will end and I will return to pre-June normality. People do like me, and people do respect me. It’s just when the mind is a cauldron of thoughts, good things get discarded in favour of negativity and paranoia. And that isn’t good.

On we go…

Allen Brooks xx

Under Doctors Orders…

Afternoon. Last week, I forgot to go back to the doctors after I saw him the previous week. The hiatus was caused by some disrupted sleep and late awakenings, so it was time today to return the visit.

Not quite as zonked out as yesterday (maybe the new dosage of tablets is working?), and I was out and about with fewer problems than yesterday. The doc has prescribed some more medication to keep me going and I must confess to feeling a little bit brighter today. I also told him that the visits to the gym seem to be working on my general well being too.

I don’t know how my doctor seems to judge the moment to increase my medication, but he seems to do it perfectly and so far, apart from some crashing tiredness, I seem to be pulling around again. Just need to string some good days together consecutively and to sleep better, also consecutively, rather than the odd day.

So, improvement is there, need to keep going. Easier said than done.

Allen Brooks xx

Another milestone reached

Afternoon. That was a tough session at the gym. It was like walking through treacle at times, the backs of my legs ache, but as long as I feel ok mentally at the end of it, so much the better.

Another milestone reached today with more than 5,000 views and 2,000 visitors on allenbrooks44.wordpress.com. The blog seems to be picking up a few new followers and I hope I’m doing my best to tell it as it is. Some days good, some days bad. But truth all the way. 

See ya 

Allen Brooks xx

Observations….

I had a very strange post notification on my blog last night. I’d love to be able to tell you what it said or meant, but it was written in Spanish. My grasp of the Spanish lingo is rudimentary at best, the only words or phrases I know are “Ola”, “Gracias” or “Por Favor”. That saw me through my week in the Canaries back in January. 

The post went where most posts go that I don’t understand – the bin. It was to do with the blog post I wrote some days ago on my hotel room, and how I wished being there. Sorry, but I do not understand the finer points of the language.

Onto the gym today, and there were more masses of humanity in there working out. By the looks of a few of them, I have nothing to worry about in terms of my waistline and it’s likely reduction. It goes to prove that we all come in different shapes and sizes. 

Just a few observations, passes the time! 

Allen Brooks xx

All quiet on the western front…

Evening. Not much happening this weekend. The weather is better today after the grim greyness and rain of yesterday. I’m considering going back to the gym after a long spell away.

To be fair, I wasn’t going that often. But I need to busy myself on certain days of the week. And what better than by attending my local gym. I tend to go on the walking machine and the cycle, and it would be good for my well being, mental and physical.

I need to have a focus. I seem to have lost that over recent weeks and months, and it needs to be recaptured. Instead of sitting indoors, let’s get out there, even if it’s only for an hour or so. A regular pattern of exercise might make me stop feeling sluggish and bloated. 

I’ve come out with these statements before, but I feel ready to restart. Something to aim for. An aim, a focus, a reason to go out. Starting tomorrow.

Allen Brooks xx

Where has Summer gone?

Second Saturday in a row, it’s dreary, grey and wet here in London. That thing called Summer has decided to depart British shores and leave us with this unremitting gloom. I’d rather have November in it’s rightful place, not in July or August.

And we wonder why Brits fly south for the summer? When it’s 100F in parts of the Med and Spain, who can blame them? Not me. The greyness and unrelenting rain is a reminder that Britain is an island at the eastern end of the Atlantic, so we get all sorts of muck every year. Doesn’t do much for the mood, I can tell you.

Allen Brooks xx

P.S:- The UK weather changed when the schoolchildren broke up for their summer holidays. Coincidence? 

Tiredness setting in…

It’s been a long week. Lots going on, most of it good. Today was the day when tiredness crept up on me. 

I was out umpiring cricket, and though the game itself was fine, I think a combination of the week and the heat of the day saw Allen Brooks just a little fatigued this afternoon. I was struggling for concentration, but autopilot kicked in and I was able to see it through. 

I do have other games on Sunday and Monday, so looking forward to more rest tonight before tomorrow’s game. Though a week, obviously is of seven day’s duration, this week has felt like ten. Next week is a little quieter on the whole, so that might recharge the batteries a little. 

As I say, it’s all good. Can’t complain at all. Been treated well and with great respect this year, and consequently, I’ve enjoyed the cricket a lot more. Long may it continue. 

Allen Brooks xx